Let your heart lead the way
As many might know I moved to Girona, Spain last year in order to pursue my dreams. It’s so amazing to look back on my journey that has brought me to where I am today. I really love my life here and I am so grateful that I allowed myself to do what I felt was best for me and followed my dreams.
Recently I spoke with my parents where our conversation came across my life 9 years ago. They told me things I don’t remember, but slowly the memories came back. They told me about my behavior when I was at my darkest time in my depression and anxiety. They told me that I was acting like a 7 year old who was completely out of reach – I was 19 years old at this time…
They couldn’t reach me and I rejected them every time they tried to help me. I was screaming and yelling. I cried a lot. I had the worst nightmares and I was convinced that someone was standing beside me by my bed. I came to my parents at night and couldn’t sleep. I jumped out the window in my bedroom and ran away. I took the bus early in the morning and went away without telling where I was going and when I would be back. I was physical agressive… And the list goes on…
Inside my head everything was a mess and I had no control of it so I just kept being hard on myself and got an eating disorder as well. I was diagnosed with different mental disorders and I was told that I would probably have to live with it for the rest of my life. I was convinced that NO ONE could ever help me and I made that clear to every therapist and psychiatrist I was ‘forced’ to visit… Luckily I was wrong about that!! But you can’t get help before you realize that you need it.. And it took me a loooong time to get there!
My very first victory, 2017.
They gave me medicine to keep my depression low so I could live a “normal” life and that gave me hope for a brighter future. After 7 years I realized what was the best medicine and what could give me peace in my head. It turned out to be my true passion as well – cycling! I guess I was very lucky that I found this and it’s hard to imagine how my life would be like if I didn’t followed this path…
I am no longer worried that I will fall back into depression and anxiety as how I experienced it, but I will always think of it as an important part of my life that taught me how great life can be, how deep you can sink and how much strength and courage I actually have. These strengths have brought me to where I am today, where I live in Spain as a professional cyclist.
I often hear people telling me how “lucky I am” to live in Spain and how great life must be here, but the true is – it is not ‘luck’ that has brought me here and it is not ‘great‘ all the time – it has taken me a lot of courage and sacrifices to get here and everyone else can do the same, but nothing comes without bumps on the road. This being said I am truly happy with my life as it is and it is the greatest decision I have ever made in my life so far, even though I am facing different challenges all the time… Just like every one else!
Enjoying my life in sunny Spain